With sufficient support, you can find your way through the toughest of times.

When I was in graduate school to become a clinical psychologist, I had the privilege to be mentored by Mary Kay, an amazingly skilled social worker with her MSW (Master of Social Work).

<<Details in the stories that follow have been altered to protect privacy.>>

Mary Kay had an emergency triple bypass during my third year of graduate school.

Six months later her husband, Jack, died from a massive coronary when he was home alone. Mary Kay disappeared for three weeks before sharing the news with the world.

After Jack died, Mary Kay learned that Jack had gambled away their joint retirement savings.

Jack had gambled away over $600,0000 at local casinos over the three or four months preceding his death. I knew he had been hospitalized for two months at a psychiatric hospital the previous year with bipolar disorder.

As a new widow, Mary Kay slowly learned the extent of the financial mess that Jack, her husband of 40 years, had created. He had held no funds back to pay federal and state taxes, which left Mary Kay responsible to pay the tax.

Jack had also forged Mary Kay’s signature and opened six credit cards in her name. There was a net balance owing on the cards of approximately $25,000.

When the dust settled, Mary Kay ended up owing over $200,000.

Jack was 65 years old when he died on the living room couch. Mary Kay was 62 years old.

Mary Kay stopped answering her phone when debt collectors started calling.

Mary Kay didn’t want to have to sell the two houses that they owned. There wasn’t enough principal in either to make the sale worthwhile. She wanted to live in one and to keep the second so that their disabled adult son could continue living there independently.

Mary Kay took a second job on Saturdays and Sundays so she could make minimum payments to the government for the outstanding taxes.

She changed her primary job to one that was less demanding so that she would have enough energy to work Monday through Friday, and then switch gears and work most weekends.

Mary Kay’s grief over Jack’s death was complicated by her anger and hurt that he had left her such a mess to clean up.

Mary Kay’s grief was complicated. How could she reconcile her image of the man she had loved with the man who has left her destitute?

Jack had been struggling with a major mental illness and was presumably manic when he decimated their finances.

How could she grieve through her anger and hurt after she discovered that Jack had been lying to her for months?

How could a woman who is 62 and who has always been responsible and who should be planning her retirement years move forward without any savings and with a mountain of debt to pay vis-à-vis her available income?

How could she create a plan to dig herself out of this mess when there was no obvious path?

How could Mary Kay find the energy to recover from her own health issues following open heart surgery when her husband has just died?

Some life events are not straightforward to process.

If your husband dies, close friends will offer you empathy and hold you in their arms while you cry. But how do share that your husband who has just died has also wiped you out financially?

Mary Kay had known Jack was making withdrawals from their 401K accounts because she had received notices from the bank in the mail. She wasn’t prepared to legally separate from Jack, even though doing so would have frozen their accounts and left their savings inaccessible to him. Mark Kay had been unable to deal that blow.

Mary Kay soldiered on for years, working seven days a week. She found a way to make it work, juggling days off in both jobs when she needed downtime. She loved her weekend job, working with teenagers with drug addictions, where she knocked it out of the park. She loved counselling these kids. She had such hope for them and their ability to turn their lives around.

Mary Kay was diabetic. For a time, she worked successfully with a physician who helped her stabilize her blood glucose levels and reduce her reliance on medications. But then she relapsed. She said she couldn’t eat one more serving of chicken and broccoli and returned to ordering ice cream cones at the local MacDonald’s drive through.

I sometimes share Mary Kay’s story with clients who are overwhelmed by their own circumstances.

The story can help them access empathy for Mary Kay, and in turn access empathy for themselves. Most often, their circumstances are so embarrassing that reaching out for support from friends and even family can’t happen.

I shared Mary Kay’s story with a client who had moved out of her marital home, and informed her husband that she was leaving him, three months before he died.

What’s the path forward in these situations? I tell my clients that I don’t work with people to address problems that are easy. They can do this on their own. I work with clients whose problems do not have obvious solutions.

I offer my clients support and have their backs when we are together. I help them to think their way through the thorny issues that arise, and I help them to not feel so alone. Bit by bit, they make progress, until they can find themselves on the other side, whatever form and shape that may take.

My client who was divorcing her husband when he died? After a couple of years of heavy lifting, she’s happier and feels more centred that she’s ever been.

These situations are not easy, and they do not resolve quickly.

If you soldier on and create a social support system where you do not feel alone, you can cope with whatever life throws at you.

—

Dr Patricia Turner, PhD, Registered Psychologist in private practice in Calgary, Alberta.