Are you estranged from a parent? Have you chosen to cut-off contact because of on-going abuse? It is neither unthinkable nor unacceptable for someone to choose to end a relationship because their parent is abusive.

Adult children in these cases have determined that a cut-off is necessary to protect their own mental health. These adult children do not celebrate their decisions, but recognize them as necessary.

Cut-offs do not normally occur when a parent who has historically been abusive has stopped their abusive behaviour. It is in circumstances of continuing abuse that adult children may sever ties with their parents. Letting go of a relationship with a toxic parent is a serious act made by a person whose need for self-preservation outweighs their need for on-going contact with their parent.

Research on attachment in early life shows that we are biologically hard-wired to bond to our parents, even when that parent chooses to harm us. Read more about Betrayal Blindness.

Humans are biologically hard-wired to maintain the child-parent bond throughout the lifespan. It is only in situations where what is gained by ending on-going abuse outweighs the loss that an individual may choose to end the relationship.

There can be great potential benefits for someone who has experienced a lifetime of abuse when that adult child acts to finally end on-going abuse from a parent by severing ties. Such benefits may perhaps for the first time include creating one’s own physical safety, and the freedom to focus on achieving optimal mental health.

— Dr. Patricia Turner, Registered Psychologist, Calgary, Alberta