Domestic violence against men is real, though it is rarely discussed openly. This article draws on clinical experience to describe how men can be physically and psychologically harmed by female partners, why physical strength does not necessarily protect men from being abused, and why many men fear defending themselves and not being believed if they seek help. Using Canadian legal definitions of domestic violence and intimate partner violence, this article explains how the abuse can involve fear, coercion, and control with real life examples.
I am a Clinical Psychologist in private practice. I work with men who are being physically and psychologically harmed, or who have been physically and psychologically harmed, by women. These men are on the receiving end of domestic violence. Their stories are real, and brutal, and well-kept secrets.
Drawing from my clinical practice, I describe a specific group of men and a set of dynamics that I repeatedly observe.
This topic is rarely talked about in society. Many people have not contemplated that men can be on the receiving end of domestic violence.
Many people assume that women cannot seriously harm men because men are stronger and can stop abusive behaviour. This assumption is naïve. Men can be harmed. They can live in fear.
Why Men Experiencing Domestic Violence Often Do Not Defend Themselves
I have worked with a number of big, strong, powerful men who were either current or past victims of domestic violence. There is a pattern to what I have witnessed.
Early Socialization Teaches Men Not to Use Physical Force
The men I have worked with have all described receiving messages as children and then as young adults, which goes: You’re bigger and stronger than the other kids / your siblings / your classmates / your friends. You can’t fight back to defend yourself because you’ll really hurt the other kids or teenagers.
These boys and young men learn that they are not allowed to fight back. They learn that they must restrain themselves, no matter what.
Men Fear They Will Not Be Believed If They Defend Themselves
Men who live in domestic violence understand that if they act to defend themselves, the women who harm them can allege that they are victims of abuse, and the police will arrest the men.
I have seen this happen repeatedly in my practice. A client will use minimal restraint to prevent a woman from harming—or further harming—him. He may hold her arms or shoulders. She will then show the police the bruises that resulted from her struggling, and the man will be taken to jail.
Legal and Professional Consequences Men Anticipate After Police Involvement
It gets worse. The man is often criminally charged with domestic assault after the woman alleges that he hurt her. He will have to hire a criminal lawyer to defend himself. He may spend months with no access to his children because of the charges. He may be advised to observe a peace bond for a year or two, if he wants to avoid the cost and stress of going to trial. He may be required to attend anger-management classes. The criminal charge will interfere with his ability to negotiate a separation agreement, if he leaves the relationship.
I work almost exclusively with highly accomplished professionals. These men understand that they cannot safely defend themselves. They are acutely aware of the professional consequences of being criminally charged with an offense. Many are required to report charges to their professional governing bodies (for example, lawyers, accountants, physicians, engineers). If found guilty in court, they can lose their professional accreditation and/or seriously damage their careers and livelihoods.
What Counts as Domestic Violence in Canada
It is helpful to develop a working definition of domestic violence as we consider what is happening to men — silently — across the country.
I work with women who are victims of domestic violence, as well. The definitions that follow apply to both men and women.
Both Justice Canada and the Divorce Act (Canada) intentionally leave gender out of their definitions of domestic violence. Anyone can be on the receiving end of domestic violence, and anyone can be the offender.
It is important to understand that domestic violence does not occur only when a punch is thrown. It occurs when the person being harmed lives in fear of the offender. This is the definition I professionally adhere to.
Canadian Legal Definitions of Family Violence and Intimate Partner Violence
The federal government (Justice Canada) defines family violence as “any form of abuse, mistreatment, or neglect by a family member or someone with whom a person has or had an intimate relationship. This includes physical, sexual, emotional, or financial harm, neglect, and behaviours intended to control or cause fear.”
This definition is broad enough to include child abuse and elder abuse. It also includes situations in which men are abused by women.
The term intimate partner violence is used more narrowly when the violence “…occurs between current or former spouses, common-law partners, dating partners, or someone in an intimate relationship. Intimate partner violence includes harmful behaviours such as physical aggression, sexual coercion, psychological abuse, and controlling behaviour that occur within those relationships.”
The Canadian Divorce Act legally defines family violence “…to include any conduct by a family member toward another that is violent, threatening, coercive or controlling, or that causes the other to fear for their safety or the safety of someone else. This includes a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour, even if it is not itself a criminal offence.”
Domestic Violence Against Men Occurs More Often Than Is Acknowledged
I work with men who are in various stages of trying to get away from abusive wives or female common-law partners.
These men are capable, responsible, and accustomed to managing pressure—yet deeply constrained by fear of consequences when violence occurs in their relationships.
The most straightforward situations are those in which the men have one foot out the door or have already left when we meet.
These men have been able to remove themselves from abusive relationships. They need emotional support and to be believed. They need to rebuild confidence. They need help navigating separation and, in some cases, divorce. Importantly, they also need to recover from what has happened, understand why they were vulnerable, and learn how not to repeat these patterns.
The situations that are more difficult are those in which the men cannot see a viable path out. One man said to me, “I doubt I will ever get away. I just needed to tell someone that I’m in domestic violence. And you’re the person I picked, because I trust you.”
Real Examples of Domestic Violence Against Men
No one would ever suspect what these men have lived through by looking at them. You have likely worked with or beside some of them. From the outside, they are accomplished and successful, and their lives appear enviable.
- One man’s wife shows police a bruise on her forearm that he had left there. Based solely on her account, this was enough for him to spend a night in jail and to be charged with domestic assault. He had used only enough force to prevent his wife from forcibly grabbing a kitten that was in his arms. His act was reasonable. The outcome for him included criminal charges, loss of access to the home he co-owned for 18 months, loss of access to his children for three months, mandatory anger-management classes, legal fees, and a two-year peace bond to avoid trial.
- A father was bathing his two-year-old child when his wife stormed into the bathroom, visibly agitated. She smashed his phone and threw it into the toilet. He focused on safeguarding his son and removing him from the bath. He knew that attempting to physically stop her could result in police involvement and his arrest.
- A woman screamed at her common-law husband for two hours while drunk. She demanded that he euthanize his dog because the dog has peed on its bed. The man left the house to protect the dog. Once out of the environment, the dog no longer urinated indoors. The dog had been behaving submissively.
- A woman yelled at her husband because she had forbidden him from bring breading into the house. She demanded to see parking receipts when he worked downtown. She required him to wear pyjamas to bed because she claimed his body was too dirty to touch the sheets. He had to wash his clothes at a laundromat for the same reason.
- A woman hit her common-law husband with her fists while he held his arms over his head in self-defence because he took her dog to the veterinarian without scheduling an appointment. He emerged from the ordeal with bruises and deep scratches. Five weeks later, she struck him with a kitchen appliance because he bought a $40 box of wrapping paper from a child fundraising for a soccer team. He sustained a deep gash across his nose and fingernail gouges down his face.
Working With Men Experiencing Domestic Violence
In therapy, my role is not to escalate emotion, but to help clients think clearly, regain stability, and make decisions that protect their long-term wellbeing.
Considering Next Steps
If you are a man experiencing domestic violence or fear the consequences of defending yourself, it can be difficult to think clearly about what is happening or how to respond. Many men minimize their experiences, delay seeking help, or remain silent because they anticipate disbelief or serious personal and professional repercussions.
Working with a psychologist experienced in supporting men in high-conflict and abusive relationships can help you understand what you are experiencing, regain perspective, and think through your options carefully. Therapy can provide a confidential space to clarify risks, strengthen decision-making, and plan next steps that prioritize safety, stability, and long-term wellbeing.
If you are considering seeking psychological support, look for a clinician who understands domestic violence dynamics, legal and professional constraints, and the pressures faced by highly accomplished men.
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