Feel Calmer Immediately Using These Simple Techniques
When you feel emotionally dysregulated—a state that may also be described as feeling triggered or being in fight or flight—simple grounding techniques can help you calm down and regain access to your thinking brain. This article describes six practical methods used in clinical practice, including reassuring yourself that you are safe, pressing down through your heels, breathing deeply, orienting to your surroundings, bouncing a ball, and using the comforting pressure of a heavy blanket.
What Does It Mean To Feel Emotionally Dysregulated?
People use a variety of words to describe feeling emotionally dysregulated. They might say they are feeling:
• Distressed
• Triggered
• Hijacked
• Activated
They might say they have a lot of energy, or juice, in their system. They might say they are angry or experiencing rage.
A psychologist might equally say, when you are in this state, that you:
• Are in hyperarousal
• Are in fight or flight
• Have left the window of tolerance
• Are no longer ventral vagal
Whatever term you use when you are emotionally dysregulated, your emotional brain, also referred to as your amygdala or limbic system, is driving the show, and access to your thinking brain is reduced.
When you are emotionally dysregulated, you are less aware of your physical body. You need to turn this awareness back on to feel calm and regain fuller access to your thinking brain.
If the idea of being in your body, or out of your body, is a new concept, you might want to read the blog posts recommended at the bottom of this post.
Six Effective Techniques That Psychologists Teach Their Clients That can Help You Calm Down
You may gravitate more strongly toward some methods than others, so try all six to discover which approaches work best for you. Doing so will give you a library of options to draw from when you need them.
1. Tell Yourself You Are Not About to Die
I use this method with many of my clients, especially when they are cognitively strong.
When you are in hyperarousal, your body — not your thinking brain — is responding as though you are in immediate danger. It is as though a grizzly bear is patrolling the perimeter of your home or office and is about to eviscerate you. This helps explain why you are flooded with adrenaline. This is why the state is also referred to as fight or flight. You are prepared to fight or run from the bear.
Ask yourself two questions
To use this method, ask yourself two simple questions. The first question is, “Am I in danger of dying in the next three minutes?”
For most people using this exercise, the answer will be an unequivocal, “No.”
The second question to ask yourself is, “Am I about to die?”
Again, for most people, the answer will be, “No.”
People report that asking themselves these two questions is enough to settle them down immediately.
When you realize you are not about to die, you gain perspective on your situation. The degree of escalation you are experiencing may fall from 8 out of 10, with 10 being the highest state possible, to 4 out of 10, which is more appropriate to the situation you likely find yourself in.
2. Push Down Through Your Heels Until You Activate Your Buttocks
I teach this method to many of my clients as well. It is easy, effective, and can be used in any situation.
How to press down through your heels
Sit in a chair and put both feet flat on the floor. Make sure your toes remain on the floor throughout the exercise.
Next, firmly press down through your heels until you feel the muscles in your buttocks activate. You may need to sit on the front edge of your chair for this to happen. You do not have to press down hard—use just enough pressure so that you can feel that the muscles in your buttocks are working.
While continuing to press down through your heels, begin to breathe deeply and allow a feeling of groundedness to enter your body. This is what you are aiming for.
Continue to press down through your heels until you feel grounded. Then slowly release the pressure.
Using this technique during a stressful meeting
If you know you have to attend a meeting where there is a good chance you will feel triggered, you can plan to press down through your heels repeatedly to help you retain access to your thinking brain. You will have a better chance of remaining calm if you do this exercise, which can help you navigate whatever stressor you are dealing with.
3. Exhale and Then Breathe Deeply
Exhaling and then breathing deeply deserves its own space on this list. If you feel distressed frequently, chances are you also hold your breath a lot.
Small children naturally hold their breath when they are in danger. Many people who experienced developmental trauma, which means trauma before the age of 18, are chronic breath holders as adults.
Learn to stop holding your breath
Your body signals to your brain that you are in danger when you hold your breath. If you want to learn to remain calm, exhale when you find yourself holding your breath. Then inhale. And repeat.
Do not hold your breath between inhalations and exhalations. Just inhale and exhale naturally. Repeat at a slow, comfortable pace.
4. Find 10 Things That Are Red
A technique that people who are highly cognitive tend to like is to find 10 things in their immediate environment that are red.
How to use this orienting exercise
Look around you and, as quickly as you can, identify 10 things that are red. It is okay to stand up and walk around as you look for items. As you find each one, state what the item is, either out loud or silently to yourself, and where it is located.
For example, you might say, “Red book on the bookshelf under the window” … “red magnet on the top drawer of the file cabinet” … “red stars on the fabric of the sofa chair against the wall” …
If you cannot find enough red items, or if you want to do the exercise again, switch the colour and repeat. You might find 10 red items, then 10 green items, then 10 yellow items. Keep going until you have achieved a state of calm.
This exercise forces you to look around, take in your surroundings, and name the items and their specific locations. Said another way, this exercise forces you to be present in the here and now. This practice is called orienting.
How clients use orienting during stressful periods
My clients often tell me they use this exercise every hour, for several days in a row, during extremely stressful periods. They report they are able to remain calm and think their way through situations, which can result in significant personal triumphs.
5. Bounce a Ball
I buy racquetballs at sporting goods stores for my clients because this exercise really works.
I teach my clients this exercise when they are having difficulty remaining calm. I stand up and ask them to bounce the ball back and forth with me.
I then ask them to continue bouncing the ball on their own while they remain standing. I suggest they experiment with throwing the ball against the wall or squeezing it in the palm of their hand. I ask them to experiment with different ways of keeping the ball in motion while we talk.
Keep a ball where you may need it
I often give the person the racquetball to take home so they can continue to experiment with it. I suggest they buy a three-pack of balls and leave one in the car, one at the office, and one at home so they can pick one up no matter where they are. I ask them to pick up the ball regularly because playing with the ball will help them remain calm.
Use a ball during difficult conversations
If you have a difficult phone call to make, you might want to squeeze a ball in one hand or use the speaker feature on your phone and throw the ball back and forth between both hands.
If you feel yourself escalating while you talk to your spouse, you might try throwing the ball back and forth between the two of you, letting the ball bounce before the other person catches it. The goal in this exercise is to keep the ball moving. People tell me they are able to remain calm while they talk through a difficult subject when they do this exercise.
6. Cover Yourself With a Heavy Blanket
An effective technique to experiment with is covering yourself with a heavy blanket while you sit or lie on a sofa. Pull the blanket over your shoulders and make sure it reaches your feet. If you are feeling highly dysregulated, you might want to put a second blanket over your head or pull up the hood of a hoodie so that your head is covered too.
Why a heavy blanket can feel calming
When a blanket is heavy enough, people say they feel as though they are swaddled. We swaddle babies to help them feel safe and calm. Swaddling works on adults as well. We were once all babies, and our bodies remember how to respond under similar circumstances.
My clients sometimes tell me, when I place a heavy blanket over them, that they already do this at home. People often already know a couple of ways to help themselves calm down when they feel distressed.
Experiment With Different Ways to Calm Down
You might want to experiment with the six techniques I have outlined in this article to help you manage your feelings of distress when they arise. Many of my clients use these techniques to help themselves regulate.
Considering Next Steps
If you find it difficult to calm yourself when you feel emotionally dysregulated, working with a psychologist can help you understand what is happening and develop strategies that are effective for you.
Related Articles
- Fight, Flight, Attachment Cry, or Freeze: Adult Responses to Childhood Trauma explains how childhood trauma can shape automatic survival responses that continue to affect reactions to stress, conflict, and perceived danger in adulthood.
- Attachment Cry: When Fight or Flight Has Failed describes attachment cry as a hardwired attempt to seek safety and rescue from another person when fighting or running are not possible.
- Feigned Death: An Alternative to Fight, Flight or Freeze Responses examines the profound shutdown response that can occur when the nervous system perceives that danger is inescapable.