Do you work long hours to avoid going home?

I work with professionals in burnout as a psychologist in private practice.

People typically think that burnout is caused by carrying a heavy workload, but they seldom stop to think about what drives people to work so hard.

I work with clients whose burnout is driven by the tension in their relationships. They put in long hours at the office, in part because they don’t want to go home.

In today’s post, I will write about how two clients burned out because they were in demanding relationships.

Once on medical leave, both had to address the problems in their relationships. Both had to makes significant changes before they could fully recover.

<< I have amalgamated the stories of a number of different clients into the two stories that follow. Details have been altered to protect privacy. >>

Let’s look at Morgen’s situation first.

Morgen worked long hours for several years prior to taking medical leave.

 She carried a lot of responsibility in her position. She had to recover from exhaustion once off work while simultaneously navigating her relationship with her husband.  

Her husband offered her no emotional or physical support while she was on leave.

He expected her to ‘pull her weight’ while she was home. He expected her to have dinner ready when he walked through the door because he had worked a full day, and she had been home doing nothing. His lack of empathy was shocking and alarming.

Morgen realized she had a problem with alcohol when she went on leave. She stopped drinking when she recognized the negative impact her behaviour was having on her children. She also saw that she wouldn’t recover if she continued to drink.

Morgan drew strong boundaries with her husband.

Initially, Morgan tried to strengthen her relationship with her husband. She wanted him to grow with her. Instead, he guilted her. He was jealous of her successes. He sabotaged her social life by making her friends uncomfortable when they came over.

One day Morgan said, I don’t like him. She realized she had used alcohol to not look at her marriage. She had overworked to avoid coming home.

By this time, Morgen had returned to work. She established firm boundaries around how many hours her firm could get from her, and everyone respected her position. She determined that she wasn’t going to rescue the firm when inappropriate timelines were set or when deadlines were missed.

As her ability to regulate her workload improved, her exhaustion disappeared.

As Morgan recovered from burnout, the state of her relationship emerged as her primary stressor.

Over the next year she realized that her husband wasn’t going to change, and she grew away from him.

Things really improved for Morgen when she decided to create a satisfying personal life for herself, rather than trying to do so as a twosome. She volunteered at a writers’ festival and loved the experience. She started to go on adventure weekends with friends. She continued to strengthen her relationships with all of her kids.

Morgen isn’t considering leaving her husband because she’s afraid to leave her children with him 50% of the time. Although she isn’t leaving, Morgen has established firm boundaries with him.

The fighting stopped because she doesn’t participate anymore.

She backs her children when they complain about their father’s behaviour. She’s stopped going to couples’ therapy because no progress was being made. 

Things have gotten better because Morgan can see the fault lines in her relationship.

She doesn’t let her relationship burn her out anymore.

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Next, let’s look at how Danny’s relationship impacted his burnout.

Danny carried a heavy workload.

He realized that his relationship had contributed to his burnout after taking a long-term medical leave, recovering, and putting strong boundaries in place at work when he returned.

When we first met, Danny was committed to making his relationship work.

He was supportive of his wife. He listened to podcasts and dove into the literature to inform himself about her issues. He was patient with the slow rate of change his wife made in therapy because he wanted his marriage to survive.

Danny would see progress in his wife’s behaviour and get his hopes up, but then her behaviour would backslide.

Things would be good for a couple of months and Danny would be optimistic, but then his wife would explode and undo the good will that had been built.

Danny persevered. He wanted to keep the family intact for the sake of his sons. But with each fight that his wife instigated, Danny felt less hopeful.

Danny put strong personal boundaries in place at work. He didn’t find the place stressful anymore.

He stopped talking about his work life with me. He looked into potential alternative positions, but some would require him to travel, and others would require him to work longer hours. He resolved to remain in his current position while his boys are small and made peace with his decision.

A couple of years after going on medical leave, Danny could see that he had worked long hours to stay out of the house because interacting with his wife was difficult.

Danny established solid boundaries with his wife.

An expert in personality disorders had reiterated that he had to set strong boundaries with his wife, even though it was uncomfortable to do so.

Still, Danny continued to give his relationship one more try. He had to know that he had given it his best. Ultimately, it was his wife who said she was done and wanted a divorce.

Danny is concerned because his wife has 50% custody of their boys.

Danny works hard to support his sons. He asks them to step away from confrontation with their mother, rather than going head-to-head with her. His kids know that Danny will have their backs in every situation and that he will help them resolve issues as they arise. The boys, for their part, are learning that their mom has a mental illness, and that her behaviour has nothing to do with them when she acts badly.

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After concerted effort, both individuals realized that their relationships had driven them to overwork because they were trying to escape their home lives.

The process of first taking medical leave and learning how to recover, then establishing effective boundaries and holding them at work, then learning to hold better boundaries at home, has been a lengthy process for both Morgan and Danny.

For both, the process of change has been challenging. Both have children who are watching them closely. Both want their children to establish and hold solid personal boundaries of their own as they mature and move through life.

Both say the effort has been worth it.

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Dr Patricia Turner, PhD, Psychologist in private practice in Calgary, Alberta