Do you work long hours to avoid going home?
I’m Dr. Patricia Turner, a Registered Psychologist in private practice in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I work with professionals experiencing burnout and chronic exhaustion.
People typically think that burnout is caused by carrying a heavy workload, but they seldom stop to consider what drives people to work so hard. In my clinical work, I see some clients whose burnout is driven by chronic tension in their relationships. They put in long hours at the office, in part because they don’t want to go home.
In this post, I describe how two individuals burned out while trying to cope with demanding relationships. Their stories are drawn from multiple stories of people I have seen in my practice.
When relationship stress contributes to burnout
Once on medical leave, both individuals were forced to address the problems in their relationships. Each had to make significant changes before they could fully recover. The stories that follow are composites drawn from the experiences of multiple clients. Identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.
Morgen’s experience of burnout and relationship stress
Morgen worked long hours for several years prior to taking medical leave. She carried a great deal of responsibility in her position.
Once off work, she had to recover from exhaustion while simultaneously navigating her relationship with her husband. Her husband offered no emotional or physical support while she was on leave. He expected her to “pull her weight” at home and expected dinner to be ready when he walked through the door because he had worked a full day, while she had been home doing nothing. His lack of empathy was shocking and alarming.
Morgen realized she had developed a problem with alcohol after going on leave. She stopped drinking when she recognized the negative impact her behaviour was having on her children. She also understood that she would not recover if she continued.
Overworking and avoidance
Morgen drew strong boundaries with her husband.
Initially, she tried to strengthen the relationship and hoped he would grow with her. Instead, he guilted her, was jealous of her successes, and sabotaged her social life by making her friends uncomfortable when they came over.
One day, Morgen said, “I don’t like him.” She realized she had been using alcohol to avoid looking at her marriage and had overworked to avoid coming home.
Recovery and boundary setting
By the time Morgen returned to work, she had established firm boundaries around how many hours her firm could expect from her, and those boundaries were respected.
She decided she would no longer rescue the firm when inappropriate timelines were set or deadlines were missed. As her ability to regulate her workload improved, her exhaustion resolved.
As Morgen recovered from burnout, her relationship emerged as her primary stressor. Over the next year, she came to accept that her husband was not going to change, and she gradually grew away from him.
Things improved significantly when Morgen decided to create a satisfying personal life for herself rather than trying to do so as a couple. She volunteered at a writers’ festival, began going on adventure weekends with friends, and continued to strengthen her relationships with her children.
Morgen is not considering leaving her husband because she is afraid to leave her children with him 50% of the time. Although she is not leaving, she has established firm boundaries. The fighting has stopped because she no longer participates. She backs her children when they complain about their father’s behaviour and has stopped couples’ therapy because no progress was being made. Morgen can now clearly see the fault lines in her relationship. She no longer allows it to burn her out.
Danny’s experience of burnout and chronic relationship conflict
Danny carried a heavy workload. He realized that his relationship had contributed to his burnout after taking long-term medical leave, recovering, and putting strong boundaries in place at work when he returned.
When we first met, Danny was committed to making his relationship work. He supported his wife, listened to podcasts, and read extensively to better understand her difficulties. He was patient with the slow pace of change in therapy because he wanted his marriage to survive. Danny would see progress in his wife’s behaviour and feel hopeful, only to have her behaviour backslide. Periods of calm were followed by explosive conflicts that erased the goodwill that had been built. Danny persevered for the sake of his sons. But with each conflict initiated by his wife, he felt less hopeful.
Boundaries at work and insight over time
Danny put strong personal boundaries in place at work and no longer found his job stressful. He explored alternative positions but resolved to remain in his current role while his sons were young and made peace with that decision.
Two years after taking medical leave, Danny recognized that he had worked long hours to avoid being at home, where interactions with his wife were consistently difficult.
Relationship boundaries and separation
Danny established firm boundaries with his wife after a specialist in personality disorders reiterated that this was necessary, even though holding those boundaries was uncomfortable. Still, Danny gave the relationship one final chance. Ultimately, it was his wife who decided she was done and wanted a divorce.
Danny remains concerned about his wife having 50% custody of their sons. He supports his children by encouraging them to step away from confrontation rather than engaging directly with their mother. His sons know that Danny will support them and help them resolve issues as they arise. They are learning that their mother’s behaviour is not caused by them.
Burnout recovery often requires relational change
After sustained effort, both individuals came to understand that their relationships had driven them to overwork as a way of escaping their home lives. For both, recovery involved taking medical leave, learning how to recover from burnout, establishing effective boundaries at work, and then learning to hold better boundaries at home.
This process unfolded over months and years. Change has been challenging. Both individuals have children who are watching closely. Both want their children to learn how to establish and hold solid personal boundaries as they mature.
Both say the effort has been worth it.
Related articles
- A comprehensive overview of burnout including common signs, contributing factors, recovery considerations, and when medical leave may be necessary.
- Reflections on learning to provide yourself with emotional comfort and stability, particularly when relationships are strained or support from others is limited.
Considering next steps
If you recognize yourself in these stories, it may be worth reflecting on whether your exhaustion is being sustained by more than work demands alone. Burnout recovery often requires looking carefully at the relational contexts in which you live and work, and being honest about where chronic stress is coming from.
For some people, recovery involves learning to set firmer boundaries. For others, it means accepting difficult truths about a relationship and deciding how they want to move forward. These decisions are rarely quick or simple, but addressing them directly is often necessary for burnout to truly resolve.